Monday! I’m actually excited about this one. I made it through the weekend without drinking. I didn’t get near enough things crossed off my to do list, but I didn’t drink and that’s a win in my book. I relaxed, watched some football, made cookies, and spent time with my boyfriend. I also spent a lot of time thinking. I thought a lot about sobriety and what I want from it. I’ve got goals, but for now I am happy to get through each day sober. I was talking with a friend of mine this weekend over lunch and he asked me “When did you know you were an alcoholic?”
Now there’s a question I had to mull over. For me it wasn’t a sudden epiphany or revelation. It was a gradual awakening and an increase in self awareness that brought on the nagging thought that maybe I dont drink like other people. I knew that once I started drinking, I would more often than not get hammered. This was a huge point of contention in my marriage. I would go to an event and before I knew it, I was drunk and embarrassing my ex-husband. I never planned on it, its like I just kept screwing up and getting hammered. It was a continual cycle of trying to moderate and failing spectacularly. There was my clue, I should have known then that me + alcohol = undesired consequences. Since the first uncomfortable thoughts that I might be an alcoholic, ten years have passed and here I am–many undesired consequences down the road of my life.
Since then, many alcohol-related disasters have happened in my life. There are the ones that make me cringe and then there are the ones like my divorce that left me rudderless and devastated. I’ve been examining my life and the influence my alcohol consumption has had over time. On paper, I remain relatively stable. You couldn’t tell me apart from most other working 34 year old women. I’ve accrued a bit of debt, but no DUIs or prison time. Emotionally, now there’s a different story. So many of my relationships have suffered and my growth has been stunted–emotionally, professionally, etc. I have to re-learn how to react to life and just be able to deal. Instead of reaching for a drink, I have to find a way to deal with the difficulties that arise. Its all about just staying when things make you want to run and hide. Its about facing the music. Getting sober isn’t this magic life-hack that will solve your problems immediately…but it gives you an advantage.
Sobriety is about rigorous honesty. You cannot fall comfortably back into your bed of lies when you have nothing to blunt the sharp truths that befall you day after day. The truth is that I’ve become reliant on not facing things head on. At first it was large things like not being happy in my marriage, but then it became small things such as dodging an uncomfortable work problem. I used alcohol to blot out all of the difficult situations in my life. They grew on their own and became monsters. I need to get my house in order. I’m afraid. I’m so scared of facing the rest of my life this way, but I dont have a choice. Courage is somewhere in my fearful heart and I’m going to try my best to dig it out every day and confront my demons. Tonight, I am going to another meeting. I am thinking of looking for a sponsor and working the steps. The major unintended consequence of living my life using alcohol as a coping mechanism is that it became the very solution to and reason for many of my problems. Happy Monday, and here’s to the beginning of getting my house in order.
Sober in the sticks 