Insanity

Reading through past entries, it seemed like I had it together until I didn’t.  I began to slip and eventually fell off the wagon.  I would love to blame this on my ex-boyfriend or my job–nah, it was me just being a fucking idiot.  Around late November, I figured it was a good time to rekindle a formerly disastrous relationship.  I guess I hadn’t had enough insanity or hurt.  Things played out the same exact way they had in the past and I ended up drinking for two months.  I had desperately wanted things to work out between us but you know that saying: “Relationships are like farts.  If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.”

This time around I started to realize that he was abusive.  Extremely verbally abusive.  How could one not realize something this awful you ask?  This is the major reason I don’t think most people should date for a while after a big relationship.  I was so bound up in not wanting to be alone (I was also really drunk too) that I was willing to overlook and compromise things…things no one should compromise.  I tried so fucking hard to make it work.  I don’t know why it became imperative that I couldn’t lose that relationship.  It was like all my past failures amplified until I realized that sometimes admitting that something doesn’t work for you and walking away is actually a personal victory.  It took me damn near a month but I did it.

I tried to moderately drink for those few months and actually did okay until the end.  I wasn’t having fun and I knew in my heart I shouldn’t doing this to myself again.  I know where it ends up and it isn’t pretty.  I’d rather move forward in my life rather than back to that old familiar scary place.  This time around I’m not gonna sit here and dwell on past mistakes or even that past relationship that still hurts so much it makes my chest ache.  I am back to plodding along, taking it one day at a time.  People talk a lot about being present when they get sober and its true.  Booze keeps you in your head, it keeps you away from life unfolding in front of you.  For once in my goddamned life, I’d like to get through something without falling into the bottle.  So, that’s my new goal.  Let life happen and don’t be so afraid of feeling it.