I’ve never been one of those people that got into the whole Monday bashing thing…until lately. In the past, it was just another day with a worse than normal hangover. I reckon I was just glad to wake up on time and drag myself into work in a semi-presentable state. This morning I felt that cold dread creep into my consciousness as I woke up. Then I felt the instant pangs of regret that accompany an all too short weekend on which very little was accomplished. All in all, my mental state was negative and downright childish by the time I actually arrived at work.
I think its safe to say that the beautiful, fluffy pink cloud from Friday has dissipated quite a bit and I’m sitting here all restless and vaguely pissy for some reason that I cant quite put my finger on. My inner unreasonable child is telling me that this whole deal is forever and my life is going to be boring from here on out. No more fun.
So, I’m gonna play devil’s advocate with this whole thought process real quick. This entire assumption is based on the fallacious reasoning that the only reason I ever had any fun in my entire life is because I drank. Now that I don’t drink, I will never have fun again. From a romanticized point of view, I did have some great times while I was drinking but times were also bad enough that I’ve opted to completely cut alcohol out of my life. Why am I having a particularly hard time with that this morning? I think the answer lies in the word FOREVER. Last week, I was simply trying to overcome things on a day to day basis. I was just happy to have my head hit the pillow each night sober. Now, my mental faculties are starting to improve and the slight panic begins to kick in. I have to manually get my mind back to a spot of gratitude. It seems kind of shitty that I have to remind myself to be grateful every day. But I do. I may not be physically an alcoholic, but mentally I’m still there. My mind is reaching for a quick solution, instant gratification and at the same time trying to justify alcohol as being that solution. Its insane that this has probably happened to me 50 or so times before without me even realizing whats going on in my subconscious. Old habits truly die hard.
So, I’ve gotta get my brain to settle this cognitive dissonance that’s occurring between the subconscious that just wants a drink and the conscious part that knows if I drink there are many consequences. Maybe at first I’ve gotta brow-beat this thought into my head that I cannot drink if I want my life to not suck. Its that simple. I don’t know how much mental fortitude I have left to deal with life sucking. I need a break, I need peace from the chaos that I so desperately crave deep inside. It can make anyone crazy if you think about it. That’s why a heaping dose of self-love and forgiveness can be in order. You aren’t crazy for wanting to do the very thing that destroys you. Its all you’ve relied on and it just does not work any more.
Over all, I had a decent little weekend. I did not go out of town as the weather turned from crappy to shit over night with a cold front ruining everyone’s weekend. Windy, rainy, and nasty out was the name of the game. Friday, I had planned on spending the evening with my ex-ish boyfriend. We spent the evening together and had so much fun that the next two days were spent together. We cooked, watched sports, laughed, listened to music, and talked. We talked about my drinking and how it affected things between us. As of now, we’re gonna see if we can work this thing out. It occurs to me that this is going to require a fair bit of effort in the beginning. There were miscommunications and hurt feelings that need to be smoothed over and addressed. There is trust that needs to be rebuilt. This is not an easy thing to do, but both of us agree that we want to give it a fair shot. I’m privately worried that this may be taking on too much. This may be exhausting along with the effort of sobriety. There are some things that are worth revisiting and trying for. Tonight, I’m going to hit up my yoga class and do some meditation. These classes always seem to re-frame my perspective and give me the feeling that I’m doing something good for myself. Mental win-win. No more moody Monday.
Sober in the sticks 